Interpersonal communication skills
A person with good communication skills expresses ideas and feelings so that others understand them. (Robson B in Barker, 2015, p. Slide 11)
“Almost every problem, every conflict and every misunderstanding has at its most basic level an interpersonal communication problem.” (Cardiac rehab New Brunswick,n.d,p. 1)
Interpersonal communications is at the heart of human communication of all kinds.
A person with good communication skills expresses ideas and feelings so that others understand them. (Robson B in Barker, 2015, p. Slide 11)
“Almost every problem, every conflict and every misunderstanding has at its most basic level an interpersonal communication problem.” (Cardiac rehab New Brunswick,n.d,p. 1)
Interpersonal communications is at the heart of human communication of all kinds.
(Robson B. In Barker,2015,slide 12)
What is interpersonal communication?
Humanity’s defining characteristic and greatest accomplishment is interpersonal communication.
By speaking, writing and non-verbally, People make known their needs, wants, ideas and feelings.
Interpersonal communications is a complex process. To attempt to understand it, a basic model of communication proposes a SENDER and RECEIVER who exchange messages containing IDEAS and FEELINGS mixed together.
What is interpersonal communication?
Humanity’s defining characteristic and greatest accomplishment is interpersonal communication.
By speaking, writing and non-verbally, People make known their needs, wants, ideas and feelings.
Interpersonal communications is a complex process. To attempt to understand it, a basic model of communication proposes a SENDER and RECEIVER who exchange messages containing IDEAS and FEELINGS mixed together.
(pixshark,n.d)
Sender ‘A’ sends a message to Receiver ‘B’.
Before sending, ‘A’ encodes the message using communication elements:
‘Verbal’, ‘Vocal’ and ‘Visual’
· ‘Verbal’ – Words spoken
· ‘Vocal’ - Tone, voice intensity and the “music of the language used” are received as aural – listening and hearing.
· ‘Visual’ – All that is seen by the Receiver. Facial expressions, body language and posture.
- The most powerful element is ‘Visual’, seizing the Receiver’s attention and holding it. ‘Vocal’ and ‘Verbal’ elements follow.
Sender ‘A’ sends a message to Receiver ‘B’.
Before sending, ‘A’ encodes the message using communication elements:
‘Verbal’, ‘Vocal’ and ‘Visual’
· ‘Verbal’ – Words spoken
· ‘Vocal’ - Tone, voice intensity and the “music of the language used” are received as aural – listening and hearing.
· ‘Visual’ – All that is seen by the Receiver. Facial expressions, body language and posture.
- The most powerful element is ‘Visual’, seizing the Receiver’s attention and holding it. ‘Vocal’ and ‘Verbal’ elements follow.
(Robson B in Barker, 2015, p. Slide 3)
The Receiver takes in the messages and decodes them, sorting and interpreting the elements according to their own experiences, beliefs and needs.
What is perceived, decoded and interpreted by the Receiver is not necessarily what was intended by the Sender, therefore feedback from Receiver to Sender is important to verify understanding of messages.
Why do we need interpersonal communication ?
Alone, we cannot be human.
With many other people, we live in this world.
With them, we live, work and play.
With them, our needs for security, comfort, friendship and love are found.
With them, we are able to mature through dialogue.
With them, we are able to achieve our goals and objectives.
Without interpersonal communication, none of these needs would be realised.
Communicating, we are able to:
· Form acquaintance
· Express emotions
· Share ideas and information
· Persuade others to understand our views
· Build relationships
“Interpersonal Communication is the lifeblood of every relationship. Good relations are nurtured by open, clear and sensitive communication.”(Cardiac rehab New Brunswick, p. 3)
“Ineffective communication causes loneliness, conflicts, family problems, professional dissatisfactions, psychological stress, physical illness and even death, when communication breaks down.” (Cardiac rehab New Brunswick,n.d, p. 3)
Can we improve our communication skills ?
Our imperfect system of interpersonal communications is prone to breakdown in many ways.
We believe everyone can learn to communicate more effectively.
We believe everyone can change. It is also a truth, that everyone will change, as change is inevitable. From infancy to old age we continuously change.
A ‘law of change’ says: “Things do not stay the same. If they don’t get better, they get worse”:
· Conflict will escalate, if it does not decrease.
· Relationships will weaken, if they do not get stronger
· Relationships will grow more distant, if they are not drawn closer
.
· Relationships will become less productive, if not nurtured to become more productive.
If a person passively allows change to happen to them, they are more prone to breakdown.
People who understand the communication process have more control over it and fewer breakdowns.
So ... Let us try to improve our communication skills.
We will focus on:
Communication roadblocks
· The way our minds work
· Sender’s behaviours
· Receiver’s behaviours
How to overcome communication roadblocks by:
· Listening, listening, listening
· Reading, reading, reading, body language
· Speaking
Communication roadblocks
Understanding problem areas where communication can break down
The way our minds work
• Perceptions of reality
We interpret and understand ‘Reality’ through our ‘Perceptions’ formed through a number of steps:
Forming perception:-
We collect information
However:
- Only a small amount. We are unable to register all the data that our senses can bring us
- Selectively. We see only what we want to see, we look for data to support our initial assumptions and neglect or do not notice contradictory evidence
- In a certain order
We arrange the information into categories.
We organise the ‘chaos’ of reality into very useful categories, to understand it.
However:
- It is dangerous, for with categories go a certain set of assumptions or predictions:
“Blonds are stupid”, “Brown-skinned men are violent”, “Old people are less ready to change”
Stereotypes form.
We form our reality.
However:
- “Each of us may have his/her own reality, very different perceptions and very different realities. These differences often cause misunderstandings and conflicts.” (Cardiac rehab New Brunswick, p. 6)
• Stereotypes and Prejudices.
In his book “Public Opinion”, Walter Lippman used the term “stereotype”, a printing stamp used to create others from the same mould, to describe the way people categorise, stamp, or label other human beings with a set of characteristics. As a natural function of the human mind, it simplifies complex reality and makes our mind and body respond automatically to similar stimuli. We classify individuals to help predict their behaviour and plan our reactions, a useful function.
Stereotyping is also dangerous. Cultural stereotypes result from or lead to prejudice, negative opinions of others formed without knowing them. Communication failures, ugly emotions and bad actions can result.
“Prejudices based on oversimplification of any race or group of people into narrow, negative stereotypes can have tragic consequences such as discrimination, violence and in extreme cases, genocide.” (Cardiac rehab New Brunswick, p. 7)
We often find people stereotyped around characteristics of:
- Age: All teenagers are rebels.
- Gender: Women can’t do as good of a job as a man.
- Race: all Chinese people look alike
- Religion: All Arabs and Muslims are terrorists.
- Vocation: all lawyers are greedy
- Nationality: All Irish people are drunks and eat potatoes.
- Places: "Western Sydney is a a xenophobic, uneducated, homogenised, working class and crime strangled community caught in one, big, traffic jam"
- Things: all Swiss watches are perfect
Stereotypes have four main characteristics as suggested by Walter Lippmann :
- They are more simple than reality
- They are acquired from “cultural mediators” rather than own experience
- They are erroneous by their very nature
- They are resistant to change when absorbed in childhood, stubbornly colouring our perceptions and behaviour.
(Cardiac rehab New Brunswick, p. 7)
• Perception of relationships
Our relationships with others can be perceived based on three metaphorical roles:
“The Parent”, “The Adult” and “The Child”.
An individual intending to relate to another as Adult to Adult, yet heard as a Parent speaking to a Child, will result in misunderstanding and resentment.
‘For example: When my friend asks me “Where did you put the book?” my reaction to her simple question will vary depending on which of the relationships seems to me to be operating.
- If I hear her speaking to me as a mother to a naughty child I might reply resentfully: “ I haven’t the slightest idea, you read it yesterday!”
- If I hear her as an inefficient child looking for help, I could reply: “Don’t you know that the book is always in the library room?”
- If however, it’s Adult to Adult I might reply “I think I left it on my desk” ‘ (Cardiac rehab New Brunswick, p. 8)
• Perspective and meta-perspective
Laing identified three levels of thinking that complicate Interpersonal Communication:
Direct perspective:
John does not love Mary Mary does not love John
Meta-perspective:
John thinks Mary loves him Mary thinks John loves her
Meta-meta-perspective:
John thinks that Mary thinks he loves her Mary thinks that John thinks he loves her
Neither wants to hurt the other; rather than communicate openly and resolve the misunderstanding, they might well get married !
Real life situations can be far more complicated.
If a person thinks (falsely) his colleague dislikes him, his behaviour can change so that now his colleague begins to think he is disliked by him ! They both become convinced of mutual dislike, although everything is based on their interpretation of their feelings.
In cross-cultural communications, a false meta-perspective is easily introduced because a type of behaviour with a particular meaning to you is interpreted with an entirely different meaning by a person from a different culture.
• Gender differences
“Allan and Barbara Pease describe, in their book “Why men don’t listen and women can’t read maps”, in a very funny way a very serious fact: the differences between men and women in the way they communicate.
They demonstrate that the differences were forged by the functions men and women had for ages in their effort to survive: men were hunters, focused on their task; women were raising children focused on building and keeping relationships. As a result of these different functions their minds specialized and researches demonstrate:
Men minds have less speaking centres than women’s
Mothers, daughters and sisters will often speak on behalf of the men from their family: Try to ask a small five year old boy “How are you” and his mother or sister will immediately answer on his behalf “Very well, thank you!”
For the same reason women talk more than men.
“Once I did not talk to my wife for six months – tells a man. I did not want to interrupt her”
A man speaks an average of 2000 to 4000 words/day, a third of the quantity spoken by a woman. This difference becomes visible at the day end, when the man and woman eat together at home. He has finished his words reserve; she still has a lot more. Listen to them, does it sound familiar?
Fiona: Hello darling. How happy I am to see you. How was your day?
Mike: OK
Fiona: Brian told me that today you have finalized the big contract with Peter. How did it go?
Mike: Excellent
Fiona: That’s fantastic. The guy seemed to be difficult. Do you think you can persuade him?
Mike: Yee
And so on… From Alan and Barbara Pease, Why men don’t listen and women can’t read maps” (Cardiac rehab New Brunswick, p. 9)
Men interrupt each other when speaking only as a sign of rivalry or aggressiveness. “Do not interrupt me” shout men to women, all over the world in all the languages.
Men statements always include solutions to the problems they are speaking about so they feel they have to speak without being interrupted. For a woman this is strange, because her main intention when speaking is to build relationships and less to solve problems.
Women can speak about many things at once; men like to concentrate only on one topic.
When you speak with a man, speak simply and on one main subject. This is due to the fact that women can do more activities in parallel, such as listening, speaking about many subjects, and observing.
Senders behaviours
• Different meaning of words
Words can be difficult to use to convey our meaning. The same word may have different meaning to different people and often, we may be unable to choose the right word, to say precisely what we mean.
• Hiding Thoughts and Feelings
For our personal security we may choose to code our messages, or perhaps because from early childhood we have learned or been trained to be indirect in our expression on many topics and feelings.
One of the basic reasons for miscommunication is that decoding is always guesswork.
We can easily observe a person’s behaviour, hear words and see actions.
However
We can only imagine what the words and actions mean.
A person’s thoughts and feelings (emotions) are often concealed very carefully and are not directly observable, as behaviours are.
• The Sender may be blind to her emotions or blinded by them
“Our emotions help shape our values. They are a fundamental part of our motivation and help to determine our direction and purpose in life. Emotions provide us with needed clues to solve our problems. It is important not be blind and to be able to recognize our feelings, to be aware of our rich inner world of emotions. This skill may overcome many communication failures.
Sometimes, instead of being blind to our emotions we are blinded by them. Feelings can block our rational capacity. We call it “Being in the grip of powerful emotions”
When people are ruled by their emotions in such a way that neither reason nor willpower have any influence, they are apt to behave in ways detrimental to themselves and/or others. Effective communication can help.”
(Cardiac rehab New Brunswick, p. 11)
Receiver’s behaviour
• Hearing through own filters
We have many filters that distort what we hear.
We have attention filters that keep us from being overwhelmed by the increasing amount of sounds and information.
We have emotional filters that block or distort our understanding.
We have our expectations of others that distort our behaviour
• Receivers are easily distracted
Many Receivers are easily distracted and slip off dreaming while the Sender is talking. One of the reasons for poor listening (and also for good listening) is that people can think much faster than they can talk. While we listen we have a lot of spare time for thinking. The average rate for speech is 125-150 words per minute. This rate is slow for the ear and the brain, which can process about four times more and faster.
• Reactions that block communication
Often Receivers have ways of responding that are considered by researchers as high – risk responses that are likely to block communication, increase the emotional distance between people and decrease the other person’s problem-solving efficiency.
These responses have been divided into three major categories:
Judging the other person
Criticising
Many of us feel we ought to be critical or the other person will never improve. We feel it is our responsibility to make a negative evaluation of the other person’s actions or attitudes
Name Calling
There is no longer a person before us, only a type.
” You are just another insensitive male” Labelling, putting down the other person, prevents us from getting to really know the other
Diagnosing
One person informs the other that she is being defensive, or she is acting out of guilt or fear or some other unconscious motive. “I can read you like a book…..”
Communication is blocked.
Sending Solutions
Ordering
An order is a solution sent coercively and backed by force. People become defensive and resentful, sabotage may result. Orders imply that the other’s judgment is unsound and thus tend to undermine self-esteem.
Threatening
A threat is a solution sent with an emphasis on punishment that will be forthcoming if the solution is not implemented. Threats produce the same kind of negative feelings and results that are produced by orders ‘You will do it or else..”
Moralising
Many people like to back their solutions with the force of moral or theological authority. “It’s the right thing to do” “You ought to tell him you are sorry”
Moralising fosters anxiety, arouses resentment and blocks honest self-expression.
Advising
The advice-giving trap is a constant temptation when someone talks to you about her problems. What’s wrong with the advice?
Often it is seen by the other as a basic insult to her intelligence. It implies a lack of confidence in the capacity of the other person to cope with her problems. And the advisor seldom understands the full implications of the problem. The advisor may be unaware of the complexities, feelings, and many other factors that lie hidden beneath the surface.
“ Not knowing the question It was easy for him To give the answer” From Robert Bolton, People Skills, Dag Hammarskjold quotation
Avoiding the other’s concerns
Diverting
One of the most frequent ways of switching a conversation from the other’s person concern to your own topic is called “diverting”
Diverting appears when people lack the awareness and skills to listen effectively.
At other times diversion appears when people are uncomfortable with the emotions stimulated by the conversation.
Logical argument
When persons are under stress or when there is conflict between people, providing logical solutions can be frustrating.
Logic focuses on facts and typically avoids feelings. However, feelings may be the main issues.
Using logic, even if really needed, may be a high risk response blocking communication.
How to overcome communication roadblocks by:
Listening, listening, listening
“Since we have two ears and only one mouth we should listen twice as much as we speak”. This humorous quote contains a lot of truth.
We spend more time listening than doing anything else: a study showed that 70% of our waking time is spent in communication, and of that time writing is 9%, reading 16%, talking 30% and listening 45%.
The Receiver takes in the messages and decodes them, sorting and interpreting the elements according to their own experiences, beliefs and needs.
What is perceived, decoded and interpreted by the Receiver is not necessarily what was intended by the Sender, therefore feedback from Receiver to Sender is important to verify understanding of messages.
Why do we need interpersonal communication ?
Alone, we cannot be human.
With many other people, we live in this world.
With them, we live, work and play.
With them, our needs for security, comfort, friendship and love are found.
With them, we are able to mature through dialogue.
With them, we are able to achieve our goals and objectives.
Without interpersonal communication, none of these needs would be realised.
Communicating, we are able to:
· Form acquaintance
· Express emotions
· Share ideas and information
· Persuade others to understand our views
· Build relationships
“Interpersonal Communication is the lifeblood of every relationship. Good relations are nurtured by open, clear and sensitive communication.”(Cardiac rehab New Brunswick, p. 3)
“Ineffective communication causes loneliness, conflicts, family problems, professional dissatisfactions, psychological stress, physical illness and even death, when communication breaks down.” (Cardiac rehab New Brunswick,n.d, p. 3)
Can we improve our communication skills ?
Our imperfect system of interpersonal communications is prone to breakdown in many ways.
We believe everyone can learn to communicate more effectively.
We believe everyone can change. It is also a truth, that everyone will change, as change is inevitable. From infancy to old age we continuously change.
A ‘law of change’ says: “Things do not stay the same. If they don’t get better, they get worse”:
· Conflict will escalate, if it does not decrease.
· Relationships will weaken, if they do not get stronger
· Relationships will grow more distant, if they are not drawn closer
.
· Relationships will become less productive, if not nurtured to become more productive.
If a person passively allows change to happen to them, they are more prone to breakdown.
People who understand the communication process have more control over it and fewer breakdowns.
So ... Let us try to improve our communication skills.
We will focus on:
Communication roadblocks
· The way our minds work
· Sender’s behaviours
· Receiver’s behaviours
How to overcome communication roadblocks by:
· Listening, listening, listening
· Reading, reading, reading, body language
· Speaking
Communication roadblocks
Understanding problem areas where communication can break down
The way our minds work
• Perceptions of reality
We interpret and understand ‘Reality’ through our ‘Perceptions’ formed through a number of steps:
Forming perception:-
We collect information
However:
- Only a small amount. We are unable to register all the data that our senses can bring us
- Selectively. We see only what we want to see, we look for data to support our initial assumptions and neglect or do not notice contradictory evidence
- In a certain order
We arrange the information into categories.
We organise the ‘chaos’ of reality into very useful categories, to understand it.
However:
- It is dangerous, for with categories go a certain set of assumptions or predictions:
“Blonds are stupid”, “Brown-skinned men are violent”, “Old people are less ready to change”
Stereotypes form.
We form our reality.
However:
- “Each of us may have his/her own reality, very different perceptions and very different realities. These differences often cause misunderstandings and conflicts.” (Cardiac rehab New Brunswick, p. 6)
• Stereotypes and Prejudices.
In his book “Public Opinion”, Walter Lippman used the term “stereotype”, a printing stamp used to create others from the same mould, to describe the way people categorise, stamp, or label other human beings with a set of characteristics. As a natural function of the human mind, it simplifies complex reality and makes our mind and body respond automatically to similar stimuli. We classify individuals to help predict their behaviour and plan our reactions, a useful function.
Stereotyping is also dangerous. Cultural stereotypes result from or lead to prejudice, negative opinions of others formed without knowing them. Communication failures, ugly emotions and bad actions can result.
“Prejudices based on oversimplification of any race or group of people into narrow, negative stereotypes can have tragic consequences such as discrimination, violence and in extreme cases, genocide.” (Cardiac rehab New Brunswick, p. 7)
We often find people stereotyped around characteristics of:
- Age: All teenagers are rebels.
- Gender: Women can’t do as good of a job as a man.
- Race: all Chinese people look alike
- Religion: All Arabs and Muslims are terrorists.
- Vocation: all lawyers are greedy
- Nationality: All Irish people are drunks and eat potatoes.
- Places: "Western Sydney is a a xenophobic, uneducated, homogenised, working class and crime strangled community caught in one, big, traffic jam"
- Things: all Swiss watches are perfect
Stereotypes have four main characteristics as suggested by Walter Lippmann :
- They are more simple than reality
- They are acquired from “cultural mediators” rather than own experience
- They are erroneous by their very nature
- They are resistant to change when absorbed in childhood, stubbornly colouring our perceptions and behaviour.
(Cardiac rehab New Brunswick, p. 7)
• Perception of relationships
Our relationships with others can be perceived based on three metaphorical roles:
“The Parent”, “The Adult” and “The Child”.
An individual intending to relate to another as Adult to Adult, yet heard as a Parent speaking to a Child, will result in misunderstanding and resentment.
‘For example: When my friend asks me “Where did you put the book?” my reaction to her simple question will vary depending on which of the relationships seems to me to be operating.
- If I hear her speaking to me as a mother to a naughty child I might reply resentfully: “ I haven’t the slightest idea, you read it yesterday!”
- If I hear her as an inefficient child looking for help, I could reply: “Don’t you know that the book is always in the library room?”
- If however, it’s Adult to Adult I might reply “I think I left it on my desk” ‘ (Cardiac rehab New Brunswick, p. 8)
• Perspective and meta-perspective
Laing identified three levels of thinking that complicate Interpersonal Communication:
Direct perspective:
John does not love Mary Mary does not love John
Meta-perspective:
John thinks Mary loves him Mary thinks John loves her
Meta-meta-perspective:
John thinks that Mary thinks he loves her Mary thinks that John thinks he loves her
Neither wants to hurt the other; rather than communicate openly and resolve the misunderstanding, they might well get married !
Real life situations can be far more complicated.
If a person thinks (falsely) his colleague dislikes him, his behaviour can change so that now his colleague begins to think he is disliked by him ! They both become convinced of mutual dislike, although everything is based on their interpretation of their feelings.
In cross-cultural communications, a false meta-perspective is easily introduced because a type of behaviour with a particular meaning to you is interpreted with an entirely different meaning by a person from a different culture.
• Gender differences
“Allan and Barbara Pease describe, in their book “Why men don’t listen and women can’t read maps”, in a very funny way a very serious fact: the differences between men and women in the way they communicate.
They demonstrate that the differences were forged by the functions men and women had for ages in their effort to survive: men were hunters, focused on their task; women were raising children focused on building and keeping relationships. As a result of these different functions their minds specialized and researches demonstrate:
Men minds have less speaking centres than women’s
Mothers, daughters and sisters will often speak on behalf of the men from their family: Try to ask a small five year old boy “How are you” and his mother or sister will immediately answer on his behalf “Very well, thank you!”
For the same reason women talk more than men.
“Once I did not talk to my wife for six months – tells a man. I did not want to interrupt her”
A man speaks an average of 2000 to 4000 words/day, a third of the quantity spoken by a woman. This difference becomes visible at the day end, when the man and woman eat together at home. He has finished his words reserve; she still has a lot more. Listen to them, does it sound familiar?
Fiona: Hello darling. How happy I am to see you. How was your day?
Mike: OK
Fiona: Brian told me that today you have finalized the big contract with Peter. How did it go?
Mike: Excellent
Fiona: That’s fantastic. The guy seemed to be difficult. Do you think you can persuade him?
Mike: Yee
And so on… From Alan and Barbara Pease, Why men don’t listen and women can’t read maps” (Cardiac rehab New Brunswick, p. 9)
Men interrupt each other when speaking only as a sign of rivalry or aggressiveness. “Do not interrupt me” shout men to women, all over the world in all the languages.
Men statements always include solutions to the problems they are speaking about so they feel they have to speak without being interrupted. For a woman this is strange, because her main intention when speaking is to build relationships and less to solve problems.
Women can speak about many things at once; men like to concentrate only on one topic.
When you speak with a man, speak simply and on one main subject. This is due to the fact that women can do more activities in parallel, such as listening, speaking about many subjects, and observing.
Senders behaviours
• Different meaning of words
Words can be difficult to use to convey our meaning. The same word may have different meaning to different people and often, we may be unable to choose the right word, to say precisely what we mean.
• Hiding Thoughts and Feelings
For our personal security we may choose to code our messages, or perhaps because from early childhood we have learned or been trained to be indirect in our expression on many topics and feelings.
One of the basic reasons for miscommunication is that decoding is always guesswork.
We can easily observe a person’s behaviour, hear words and see actions.
However
We can only imagine what the words and actions mean.
A person’s thoughts and feelings (emotions) are often concealed very carefully and are not directly observable, as behaviours are.
• The Sender may be blind to her emotions or blinded by them
“Our emotions help shape our values. They are a fundamental part of our motivation and help to determine our direction and purpose in life. Emotions provide us with needed clues to solve our problems. It is important not be blind and to be able to recognize our feelings, to be aware of our rich inner world of emotions. This skill may overcome many communication failures.
Sometimes, instead of being blind to our emotions we are blinded by them. Feelings can block our rational capacity. We call it “Being in the grip of powerful emotions”
When people are ruled by their emotions in such a way that neither reason nor willpower have any influence, they are apt to behave in ways detrimental to themselves and/or others. Effective communication can help.”
(Cardiac rehab New Brunswick, p. 11)
Receiver’s behaviour
• Hearing through own filters
We have many filters that distort what we hear.
We have attention filters that keep us from being overwhelmed by the increasing amount of sounds and information.
We have emotional filters that block or distort our understanding.
We have our expectations of others that distort our behaviour
• Receivers are easily distracted
Many Receivers are easily distracted and slip off dreaming while the Sender is talking. One of the reasons for poor listening (and also for good listening) is that people can think much faster than they can talk. While we listen we have a lot of spare time for thinking. The average rate for speech is 125-150 words per minute. This rate is slow for the ear and the brain, which can process about four times more and faster.
• Reactions that block communication
Often Receivers have ways of responding that are considered by researchers as high – risk responses that are likely to block communication, increase the emotional distance between people and decrease the other person’s problem-solving efficiency.
These responses have been divided into three major categories:
Judging the other person
Criticising
Many of us feel we ought to be critical or the other person will never improve. We feel it is our responsibility to make a negative evaluation of the other person’s actions or attitudes
Name Calling
There is no longer a person before us, only a type.
” You are just another insensitive male” Labelling, putting down the other person, prevents us from getting to really know the other
Diagnosing
One person informs the other that she is being defensive, or she is acting out of guilt or fear or some other unconscious motive. “I can read you like a book…..”
Communication is blocked.
Sending Solutions
Ordering
An order is a solution sent coercively and backed by force. People become defensive and resentful, sabotage may result. Orders imply that the other’s judgment is unsound and thus tend to undermine self-esteem.
Threatening
A threat is a solution sent with an emphasis on punishment that will be forthcoming if the solution is not implemented. Threats produce the same kind of negative feelings and results that are produced by orders ‘You will do it or else..”
Moralising
Many people like to back their solutions with the force of moral or theological authority. “It’s the right thing to do” “You ought to tell him you are sorry”
Moralising fosters anxiety, arouses resentment and blocks honest self-expression.
Advising
The advice-giving trap is a constant temptation when someone talks to you about her problems. What’s wrong with the advice?
Often it is seen by the other as a basic insult to her intelligence. It implies a lack of confidence in the capacity of the other person to cope with her problems. And the advisor seldom understands the full implications of the problem. The advisor may be unaware of the complexities, feelings, and many other factors that lie hidden beneath the surface.
“ Not knowing the question It was easy for him To give the answer” From Robert Bolton, People Skills, Dag Hammarskjold quotation
Avoiding the other’s concerns
Diverting
One of the most frequent ways of switching a conversation from the other’s person concern to your own topic is called “diverting”
Diverting appears when people lack the awareness and skills to listen effectively.
At other times diversion appears when people are uncomfortable with the emotions stimulated by the conversation.
Logical argument
When persons are under stress or when there is conflict between people, providing logical solutions can be frustrating.
Logic focuses on facts and typically avoids feelings. However, feelings may be the main issues.
Using logic, even if really needed, may be a high risk response blocking communication.
How to overcome communication roadblocks by:
Listening, listening, listening
“Since we have two ears and only one mouth we should listen twice as much as we speak”. This humorous quote contains a lot of truth.
We spend more time listening than doing anything else: a study showed that 70% of our waking time is spent in communication, and of that time writing is 9%, reading 16%, talking 30% and listening 45%.
(Robson B. In Barker,2015,slide 2)
Unfortunately few people are good listeners.
‘Listening is an essential part of the communication process. A sender encodes his or her ideas or thoughts into some form that is transmitted to the receiver. The receiver must perceive the message and accurately decode it so that an understanding of the message is achieved. The receiver then tells the sender that the message has been received and understood through feedback.
Listening requires being active, showing understanding, acknowledging the other person, being sensitive and concentrating. It means having an open and positive attitude. Listening effectively means really wanting to listen before responding to what is being said.
We often don’t consciously pay attention to others who are communicating with us (or we don’t pay attention enough). We therefore often take our cues from the setting or the circumstances, a person’s role, a person’s relationship to us, personality factors, or the person’s knowledge on an issue. In familiar situations we consequently frequently only hear what we expect to hear and not what is actually being communicated. We therefore need to convert our more passive and distracted listening habits into more focused and active ones.
Listening as an active process should therefore involve:
Listening is more than merely hearing with our ears. Listening is a combination of what another person says and involvement with the other person who is talking.
Active listening is a way of listening and responding to another person that improves mutual understanding overcoming communication roadblocks.
There are five levels of active listening
Basic Acknowledgments
Basic acknowledgements include verbal, visual - non-verbal signs and vocal - sounds that let the speaker know we are listening with interest and respect, such as:
head-nodding, leaning forward or backward, making eye contact,
saying “uh-huh”, “oh really”, “no-kidding”, ‘tell me more”, “I hear you”, “So..”, “I see”, “Yes”.
Attentive Silence
“Silence is Gold, Words are Silver”. To keep silent is difficult, but when we succeed, we are able to find out more information from the speaker. The majority of listeners are uncomfortable with being silent, but in the spare time instead of letting their mind go off the conversation, they should:
(a) observe the speaker facial expression, posture and gestures and try to decode them
(b) try to imagine what the speaker is feeling
(c) decide what is the best answer
Questions
The idea of asking questions may seem contradictory to the idea of listening. But an active listener is asking questions in order to show the speaker interest
(a) in what is being said
(b) in knowing more to gain a better understanding of the speaker’s point of view.
Open-ended questions are preferable to close-ended questions, because they are providing opportunities for the speaker to open up, to explore his/her thoughts and feelings. It is also important to ask one question at a time.
Paraphrasing
Paraphrasing focuses on the speaker’s content, summarizing what was said in order to clarify and confirm correct understanding. The steps of the paraphrasing process are:
(a) Let the speaker finish what he/she wanted to say.
(b) Restate with your own words what you think the speaker has said
(c) If the speaker confirms your understanding continue the conversation
(d) If the speaker indicates you misunderstood ask the speaker to repeat. “I am not understanding, could you say it again?”
There is one caution when using paraphrasing: do not overuse it!
Mirroring feelings
Mirroring involves reflecting back to the speaker the emotions he/she is communicating.
Do not miss the emotional dimension of a conversation, by focusing exclusively on the content. Encourage speaker to disclose feelings – may be joy, sorrow, frustration, anger or grief. The reflection of feelings will help the speaker understand own emotions and move toward a solution of the problem.
In order to understand and mirror feelings:
(a) Observe the feeling words the speaker uses.
(b) If the speaker may not use feeling words at all - because suppression of feelings is so widespread in our culture, focus on the content and ask yourself: If I were having that experience, if I were saying and doing those things what would I be feeling?
(c) Observe the body language, facial expressions, the tone of the voice, gestures and posture
Reflecting meanings
Once a person knows how to reflect feeling and content separately it is relatively easy to put the two together into a reflection of meaning. It would be useful to use the formula:
“You feel (insert the feeling word) because (insert the event or other content associated with the feeling)”
• Summative Reflections
A summative reflection is a brief restatement of the main themes and feelings the speaker expressed over a longer period of discussions.
A good summarisation may help the speaker have a greater coherence, a better understanding of the situation and draw conclusions. (Cardiac rehab New Brunswick,n.d)
Unfortunately few people are good listeners.
‘Listening is an essential part of the communication process. A sender encodes his or her ideas or thoughts into some form that is transmitted to the receiver. The receiver must perceive the message and accurately decode it so that an understanding of the message is achieved. The receiver then tells the sender that the message has been received and understood through feedback.
Listening requires being active, showing understanding, acknowledging the other person, being sensitive and concentrating. It means having an open and positive attitude. Listening effectively means really wanting to listen before responding to what is being said.
We often don’t consciously pay attention to others who are communicating with us (or we don’t pay attention enough). We therefore often take our cues from the setting or the circumstances, a person’s role, a person’s relationship to us, personality factors, or the person’s knowledge on an issue. In familiar situations we consequently frequently only hear what we expect to hear and not what is actually being communicated. We therefore need to convert our more passive and distracted listening habits into more focused and active ones.
Listening as an active process should therefore involve:
- being motivated and wanting to listen
- paying attention, being aware and interested in understanding
- sharing responsibility for communication with the speaker
- using learned skills i.e. “how to listen” ‘ (Warner, 2012)
Listening is more than merely hearing with our ears. Listening is a combination of what another person says and involvement with the other person who is talking.
Active listening is a way of listening and responding to another person that improves mutual understanding overcoming communication roadblocks.
There are five levels of active listening
Basic Acknowledgments
Basic acknowledgements include verbal, visual - non-verbal signs and vocal - sounds that let the speaker know we are listening with interest and respect, such as:
head-nodding, leaning forward or backward, making eye contact,
saying “uh-huh”, “oh really”, “no-kidding”, ‘tell me more”, “I hear you”, “So..”, “I see”, “Yes”.
Attentive Silence
“Silence is Gold, Words are Silver”. To keep silent is difficult, but when we succeed, we are able to find out more information from the speaker. The majority of listeners are uncomfortable with being silent, but in the spare time instead of letting their mind go off the conversation, they should:
(a) observe the speaker facial expression, posture and gestures and try to decode them
(b) try to imagine what the speaker is feeling
(c) decide what is the best answer
Questions
The idea of asking questions may seem contradictory to the idea of listening. But an active listener is asking questions in order to show the speaker interest
(a) in what is being said
(b) in knowing more to gain a better understanding of the speaker’s point of view.
Open-ended questions are preferable to close-ended questions, because they are providing opportunities for the speaker to open up, to explore his/her thoughts and feelings. It is also important to ask one question at a time.
Paraphrasing
Paraphrasing focuses on the speaker’s content, summarizing what was said in order to clarify and confirm correct understanding. The steps of the paraphrasing process are:
(a) Let the speaker finish what he/she wanted to say.
(b) Restate with your own words what you think the speaker has said
(c) If the speaker confirms your understanding continue the conversation
(d) If the speaker indicates you misunderstood ask the speaker to repeat. “I am not understanding, could you say it again?”
There is one caution when using paraphrasing: do not overuse it!
Mirroring feelings
Mirroring involves reflecting back to the speaker the emotions he/she is communicating.
Do not miss the emotional dimension of a conversation, by focusing exclusively on the content. Encourage speaker to disclose feelings – may be joy, sorrow, frustration, anger or grief. The reflection of feelings will help the speaker understand own emotions and move toward a solution of the problem.
In order to understand and mirror feelings:
(a) Observe the feeling words the speaker uses.
(b) If the speaker may not use feeling words at all - because suppression of feelings is so widespread in our culture, focus on the content and ask yourself: If I were having that experience, if I were saying and doing those things what would I be feeling?
(c) Observe the body language, facial expressions, the tone of the voice, gestures and posture
Reflecting meanings
Once a person knows how to reflect feeling and content separately it is relatively easy to put the two together into a reflection of meaning. It would be useful to use the formula:
“You feel (insert the feeling word) because (insert the event or other content associated with the feeling)”
• Summative Reflections
A summative reflection is a brief restatement of the main themes and feelings the speaker expressed over a longer period of discussions.
A good summarisation may help the speaker have a greater coherence, a better understanding of the situation and draw conclusions. (Cardiac rehab New Brunswick,n.d)
(Warner, 2012)
Reading, reading, reading, body language
From the very beginning of the human race, non-verbal communication - body language, has been a mean of interpersonal communication and was used long before language appeared. But only in the recent past behavioural scientists started to make systematic observations of what non-verbal signs mean.
In a message, words are effective carriers of factual information. The content of the conversation can be important. But when emotions are engaged they should receive primary attention and they are mostly carried by non-verbal elements. Understanding, being able to read body language is one of the most important skills for an effective communication.
In order to do it:
Focus attention on the important clues:
The facial expression – especially eyes and vocal expression are eloquent
The tone of the voice gives information about speaker’s feeling, anger, boredom, depression, enthusiasm or disbelief
The posture and gestures – movements of the head, legs, and hands reveal the levels of self-esteem and inner energy
The clothing and environment style give clues about personal characteristics
Note discrepancies
When there is a discrepancy between words and body language, both messages are important. Search for the meanings.
Be aware of your own feelings and bodily reactions
Non-verbal communications can by-pass the conscious mind and trigger responses. By becoming aware of what your body is experiencing you become more sensitive to what other people are feeling.
Reflect the feelings back to the sender
Read non-verbal signs in the context. Sometimes body language is very clear and unambiguous, but at other times it can be difficult to decipher. But mastering the art and science of decoding the non-verbal signs can improve dramatically communication and overcome many obstacles.
(Cardiac rehab New Brunswick,n.d)
Speaking
When sending a message as speakers you should:
• Know what you mean and express it clearly, with respect and sensitivity.
• Check or build the common understanding of the words you use, because words can have different meanings for different people, especially if coming from different cultures and educational backgrounds
• Use de-escalatory language, resist the temptation to make personal attacks and accuse, by replacing accusatory “you” statements with less provocative “I” statements.
Do you observe the difference?
“I feel as if I am not being understood.”
“You are not really listening to me! “
You – statements tend to be perceived as blaming and attacking, manipulative and coercive, trying to change the other person’s behaviour. They often provoke defensive reactions, as hostile counter-attacks or withdrawal from the conversation..
I - statements disclose your own experience without attacking others or criticizing them for not meeting your needs. They can halt the defensive and hostile escalation process, building trust and sensitivity. The basic assumption is that if people see who we really are, how we really feel and what we really need, they will tend to respond to us in an accommodating manner.
• Try to understand your feelings, express emotions feelings and thoughts, through appropriate words and actions, through an assertive behaviour.
• Perceive relations with the other person as between two Adults
(Cardiac rehab New Brunswick,n.d)
Reading, reading, reading, body language
From the very beginning of the human race, non-verbal communication - body language, has been a mean of interpersonal communication and was used long before language appeared. But only in the recent past behavioural scientists started to make systematic observations of what non-verbal signs mean.
In a message, words are effective carriers of factual information. The content of the conversation can be important. But when emotions are engaged they should receive primary attention and they are mostly carried by non-verbal elements. Understanding, being able to read body language is one of the most important skills for an effective communication.
In order to do it:
Focus attention on the important clues:
The facial expression – especially eyes and vocal expression are eloquent
The tone of the voice gives information about speaker’s feeling, anger, boredom, depression, enthusiasm or disbelief
The posture and gestures – movements of the head, legs, and hands reveal the levels of self-esteem and inner energy
The clothing and environment style give clues about personal characteristics
Note discrepancies
When there is a discrepancy between words and body language, both messages are important. Search for the meanings.
Be aware of your own feelings and bodily reactions
Non-verbal communications can by-pass the conscious mind and trigger responses. By becoming aware of what your body is experiencing you become more sensitive to what other people are feeling.
Reflect the feelings back to the sender
Read non-verbal signs in the context. Sometimes body language is very clear and unambiguous, but at other times it can be difficult to decipher. But mastering the art and science of decoding the non-verbal signs can improve dramatically communication and overcome many obstacles.
(Cardiac rehab New Brunswick,n.d)
Speaking
When sending a message as speakers you should:
• Know what you mean and express it clearly, with respect and sensitivity.
• Check or build the common understanding of the words you use, because words can have different meanings for different people, especially if coming from different cultures and educational backgrounds
• Use de-escalatory language, resist the temptation to make personal attacks and accuse, by replacing accusatory “you” statements with less provocative “I” statements.
Do you observe the difference?
“I feel as if I am not being understood.”
“You are not really listening to me! “
You – statements tend to be perceived as blaming and attacking, manipulative and coercive, trying to change the other person’s behaviour. They often provoke defensive reactions, as hostile counter-attacks or withdrawal from the conversation..
I - statements disclose your own experience without attacking others or criticizing them for not meeting your needs. They can halt the defensive and hostile escalation process, building trust and sensitivity. The basic assumption is that if people see who we really are, how we really feel and what we really need, they will tend to respond to us in an accommodating manner.
• Try to understand your feelings, express emotions feelings and thoughts, through appropriate words and actions, through an assertive behaviour.
• Perceive relations with the other person as between two Adults
(Cardiac rehab New Brunswick,n.d)
Barker. (2015). 1a. Bus Comm Business Communication WB 16.2.2015 FINAL. Perth, Western Australia, Australia.
Cardiac rehab New Brunswick. (n.d.). What is Interpersonal Communication ? Retrieved June 12, 2015, from Cardiac rehab New Brunswick: http://www.crnb-rcnb.ca/en/WHAT_INTERPERSONAL_COMMUNICATION_EN.pdf
pixshark. (n.d.). communication-process-sender-receiver. Retrieved 06 13, 2015, from pixshark: http://pixshark.com/communication-process-sender-receiver.htm
Warner, D. J. (2012, March 1). listening-diagram. Retrieved from Ready to Manage: http://blog.readytomanage.com/listening-diagram/
Cardiac rehab New Brunswick. (n.d.). What is Interpersonal Communication ? Retrieved June 12, 2015, from Cardiac rehab New Brunswick: http://www.crnb-rcnb.ca/en/WHAT_INTERPERSONAL_COMMUNICATION_EN.pdf
pixshark. (n.d.). communication-process-sender-receiver. Retrieved 06 13, 2015, from pixshark: http://pixshark.com/communication-process-sender-receiver.htm
Warner, D. J. (2012, March 1). listening-diagram. Retrieved from Ready to Manage: http://blog.readytomanage.com/listening-diagram/